


Still Pretending

by TheTiniestLifeboat



Category: Brittana - Fandom, Glee
Genre: Depression, Eating Disorders, F/F, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-26
Updated: 2016-12-26
Packaged: 2018-09-12 11:36:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9069943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheTiniestLifeboat/pseuds/TheTiniestLifeboat
Summary: Brittany Pierce didn't believe she was beautiful. It wasn't it the oh, I'll say I'm not pretty so all my friends will compliment me. It was more in the fact that she hated herself.





	

Brittany Pierce didn't believe she was beautiful. It wasn't it the oh, I'll say I'm not pretty so all my friends will compliment me. It was more in the fact that she hated herself.

Standing in front of her bathroom mirror, she stared blankly at her reflection.

 

_Disgusting_

_Fat_

_Ugly_

_Horrible_

_Worthless_

_Stupid_

_Waste of oxygen_

 

She let out a shaky breath, and let her gaze travel down her body. She was clad only in her old pink and black spotted bra and matching pants, her long blonde hair loose around her shoulders, framing her pale, narrow face. Her gaze drifted down to the edge of the sink. Resting lightly on the cracked porcelain, was her relief. Her silver blade shone in the moonlight pooling through the window, waiting for her to pick it up and run it across her wrist or thigh. For a moment, her gaze shifted down to the digital scale beside her feet. It still illuminated the numbers from when she had stood on it minutes previously.

_117.5 lbs_

The numbers taunted her as she drew in another shaky breath, lifted her eyes and picked up the blade in her left hand. She raised her right arm and rested it gently on the sink, turning the soft flesh of her forearm up to face the light. It was covered in lines, ranging from tiny, pale scars from a pencil sharpener, to deep, heavy cuts still not fully closed up. She tenderly placed the razor on a clear patch of skin, about halfway up her arm, closed her eyes, and pulled it down quickly. Immediately, she could feel the relief flood through her body, and she slumped slightly, a peaceful smile upon her drawn-out face. She needed this. This pain. Just to feel alive and forget her problems.

 

After the 10th cut, the blade dropped from Brittany's hand onto the cool tiles below with a clink, as she cradled her arm to her chest, deep sobs ripping through her throat. She couldn't take it. She was a mistake, she knew that. Her parents had told her often enough. Brittany had been born when her mom was only 21, and she never failed to remind Brittany that she was the result of a broken condom. Brittany wasn't wanted, but her mom was against abortion, but when Elise was born, she knew she was planned. Brittany wasn't.

She wasn't smart either. Not since primary school when 6 year old Noah Puckerman and Finn Hudson caught her dancing with herself and humming. They laughed at her, and then brought all the other children in her class over to watch her. That was the first time she had felt stupid. Of course, always being truthful, she told the playground assistants exactly what happened, and "blabbermouth" was added to the list of names she was called. When she told her mom, she just laughed at her.

_"Oh, honey. People are always going to call you names, you should get used to it."_

And so Brittany had resigned herself to the name calling and the bullying. She very quickly learned that it was easiest to keep her mouth shut, and avoid eye contact with people, to avoid being picked on.

She remembered when she was in 3rd grade, and they had to draw a picture of the people who love you. Brittany sat for an entire hour, just staring at her plain sheet of white paper, whilst the rest of her classmates drew their families and coloured them in and stuck glitter on them. Then the teachers walked round to look at them. That was the first time a teacher ever called her stupid.

_"Brittany, why haven't you drawn your family yet?"_

_"They don't love me,"_

_"What?"_

_"You said to draw somebody who loves us. My mom doesn't love me and daddy ran of with the nanny."_

_"Don't be so stupid, Brittany. Of course they love you. I'm going to be sending a letter home though because you've not been doing your work."_

Her eyes fluttered shut for a moment, her head dropping to rest gently of the floor. She wished so much to be loved, it was all she ever wanted. After her dad left, her mom ignored her for a long time. Brittany knew it was her fault that he had left.

If only she hadn't been born, then her parents wouldn't have split up. If only she hadn't been born, then her mom would be happy. If only she hasn't been born, then they would have their perfect child when they were ready, and live in a beautiful, wealthy part of town.

If only she hadn't been born.


End file.
